As many of you already know Danny and I have considered adoption for a long time, but I want to talk a little about what led up to us deciding to adopt as well as what we have done in our adoption so far.

       I guess I can start from the very beginning: For me being pregnant meant being very very sick. I loved being pregnant but my body didn't. I had Pre-Eclampsia with both pregnancies severely. With Danica I was diagnosed at 33 weeks and hospitalized. I was later sent sent home on bed rest to hopefully make it further to give Danica a better chance. By 34 1/2 it was getting a lot worse and I was hospitalized again. After  a couple days of me only getting worse they delivered Danica at 35 weeks via C-Section. It was a very scary day! I was being told by the nurses all the things that could go wrong and the condition my baby might be in at birth as I was being wheeled to the operating room. Horrifying! Then she was born and I could hear her screaming and relief rushed through me, until I saw how tiny and gray she was. She was an itsy bitsy 4lbs 9oz 17in. But it scared me so much more to see how gray she was. See Pre-Eclampsia is also called Toxemia. I think you can get from the name that means for me being pregnant was toxic. The doctor later told us they had delivered her right on time because an hour more and the outcome would have been different for both mom and baby. (To me that meant he waited way too long and risked my baby's and my life.) Danica was okay though. In fact, after she came out and was getting oxygen she returned to pink pretty quick. She didn't even have to be in the NICU. WOW! Close call!!

     Well, after that experience we were told it wasn't likely to get it again or as severely. So we weren't overly concerned, but knew to keep an eye out for it. After a year of trying to get pregnant we finally had Haidyn on the way. I was on bed rest again right away because of a minor hemorrhage in my uterus that just didn't want to heal. That got better at the end of the 1st trimester. But I was back on bed rest and getting steroid shots for baby to develop at 30 weeks due to Pre-Eclampsia. We caught it earlier this time and took more precautions. We managed to get Haidyn all the way to 36 weeks before it was just too dangerous for me to remain pregnant any longer. So Haidyn was born via C-Section as well. Haidyn was pink! But she was raspy, meaning she was having difficulties and was taken straight down to the NICU.

     With both of my girls they couldn't come out of the nursery to my room and since I was numb from the C-Section there first hours I only saw through pictures. I didn't get to see either for about 8 hours (other than in the operating room). But I didn't get to hold either in their first hours. 

      Haidyn was in the NICU for 11 days. She would have come home at 10 days but they allowed her to stay as I had to be hospitalized again. I hemorrhaged. It was bad. It was a lot of blood and a lot of pain! They maxed out all pain meds I could have and it felt like it wasn't touching the pain. And the bleeding was only getting worse. After 10 hrs of that and trying meds to stop the bleeding without any success, surgery was the only option. They tried several different things in surgery to stop the bleeding but nothing was working. By this point I had lost almost all blood in my body. The only option left was a hysterectomy. It saved my life.

     Even though I am extremely grateful to be alive and able to raise my kids, having to have a hysterectomy was devastating! I had to grieve. It was one of the biggest losses I have ever experienced. I mean; I wanted 5 kids. I had an especially hard time with why God would have this plan for me when I expressed how grateful I was to be able to have kids in every prayer. It was one of the things I considered the biggest blessings in life; to be able to have children. It was a challenge to accept that God's plan for me to no longer be able to have children. I don't know why it is the best path for me, but know without a doubt that it is.

     Throughout the first year after Haidyn was born and having the hysterectomy I focused on adjusting to taking care of my two girls and accepting the changes in my life. It wasn't always easy. But after a year, and through a lot of prayer, Danny and I knew that this was not meant to be our entire family. We knew that even though I couldn't have more children that our family wasn't complete yet. In some ways this was exciting and upsetting. This time to expand our family we wouldn't be able to just get pregnant and have a baby. Even with the pregnancies I had that would be the easy way. We felt good about adoption though. When we prayed we felt like that was the answer. When we prayed if it was time to start the application, we didn't get an answer. No answer for 3 years. It was at times really frustrating that we felt like adoption was our answer, but had to wait on timing. God's timing.

     So there we were 4 years from Haidyn being born; 3 years from knowing we would adopt till we finally started our adoption application. And about 6 months later approved and searching for our baby. We are; we are searching for our baby. We want to bring the child God intends for us to raise and parent home to our family; to love and inspire and nurture just as we do our two girls.

     When I would pray during my pregnancies about getting through them safely I would tell God I would do anything to get my kids here and bring them home. I would endure whatever I had to. This time around I am not enduring the physical challenges so much as I am enduring the emotional ones, but I will do all that I can to bring my child home.

     Our family is so very excited for a baby in our house! Our girls love to talk about all the things they will do with their little brother/sister and tell all there friends that we will have a baby. We hope and pray that God's timing isn't another 3 year wait like with starting the application, but look forward to the day that we meet him/her!

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